If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
