just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
