Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
