I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
