the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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