I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
