My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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