Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
