if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
