3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
