i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
