i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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