he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
