i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
