i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
