I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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