Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
