he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
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