Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
