I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
