i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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