I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
