I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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