i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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