Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
if only i could text you this smell
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
