I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
