Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
is that a dick in a sweater?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
