I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
