I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
