Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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