morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
