As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
