so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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