im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
