The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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