two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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