i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
