I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
