She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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