Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
