remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
