no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
