new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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