Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
