Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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