I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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