She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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