I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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