I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
