i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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